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Facebook: Graveyard of Wit


We know there’s bad music out there. We know there are annoying adverts for it EVERYWHERE (apart from here, natch). And we know complaining about it is therapeutic (yes Twitter users, we’re looking at you). But there’s a difference between attempting a witty response and taking things beyond the pale…

The more Facebook forces us to be aware of things and people we don’t care about, while making it harder for things and people we do care about to keep us updated, the more people are going to get irate about being sent stuff they don’t want to consume. This apparently also leads people to think that an instantaneous, nonsensical, reactionary comment is the best way to express that anger. If you take a look at Freud’s three components of the mind, Facebook users are right there at the bottom, finding any excuse to just let go and spout utter crap.

So. The other day this popped up on my feed:

Jake emlyn facebook

A shameless genius? I don’t know what that means but it sounds like turd. Anyway, despite the fact that the profile picture looks like something even the Klaxons in 2007 would’ve backed away from, and the only quote comes from an awards ceremony, I thought I’d give it a watch…

I’ve got to be honest, I’m not a massive rap head so I’ll leave the musical criticism of this to someone else [an odd mix of Jehst, Kraftwerk and John Carpenter dressed up in something Elton John left outside the local Marie Curie shop – surprisingly less annoying than you’d expect, although the best bit is the chorus which, curicially, he doesn’t rap over – Ed]. There’s a funny lyrical moment about hand sex and lycra, and apart from the fact he seems like quite an irritating character there’s nothing too untoward to get upset about. Then you spot the comments…

jake emlyn facebook comment

The throwaway ‘robot tranny’ remark is nearly overshadowed by the baffling narrative Charlie’s created. 13 likes though, unlucky for some. It gets worse…

jake emlyn facebook comments

Hmm… 1) I don’t think Lady Gaga actually does have a penis, so I don’t know if that is actually funny; 2) You’re called Herman – if you can put out throwaway abuse on the internet so can I. And you can’t even do anything about my name, mine’s really boring: it’s Nick. DICK. (See, beat you to it); 3) Is that an actual death warrant?

Enter our next amateur comedian:

jake emlyn facebook

Two people have liked this comment. TWO. Two whole people agree with this comment. I’m amazed one person managed to write it. But TWO people agreed with it. Why can’t a mentally ill person make music? Indeed, why can’t a transvestite? The ’80s happened thirty years ago mate, and Boy George has achieved far more than you. More than this twat too:

facebook promoted adverts suggested posts

This one’s more disappointing than anything. Calum has managed to integrate a ‘joke’ about depression into a critical analysis of a hip-hop track he didn’t really like. Top work.

It leaves us all feeling a bit…

facebook promoted adverts suggested posts
Based on the comment feedback as a whole, Mr Emlyn ain’t going to find many new fans on Facebook. But we’ve found a whole load of people to avoid. Nice going, social networking.


By Nicholas Burman

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